Both/And
I remember the days vividly. Dropping my sweet 1 year old off at her preschool wondering if I was making the right decision by continuing to work full time. “Should I just stay home with her?” I recall fighting against the agonizing lie in my chest telling me that I could do better for her. “She deserves better than what you are giving her.” But there she was… THRIVING. Living her best life. We were both thriving! I LOVED my job. Okay, aside from the sickness that feels like every week when you send your babies to daycare, let’s be honest. But, this girl was learning so much and truly soared in school. No matter how much she excelled, that mom guilt still kicked in hard. The world around me really made me believe that there was something she was missing out on by not being at home with me.
Fast forward to her turning 3 and the unexpected happened with my role at work. Here I was, positioned to be a stay at home mom. Which by the way, I never desired. Although I was served a season that I didn’t ask for and definitely never saw coming, I was genuinely curious to see *ALL* of the things society told me should and would exist with a stay at home mom in the picture. A cleaner house because I’m here to tend to the dishes and laundry, kids who are growing and learning in great strides because I’m here to work with them, and magical moments being thrown around like confetti.
Can we fast-forward to reality now? My daughter still asks to see her old teacher and friends every day. My son, whom I’ve been home with for his entire upbringing, well…he has a speech delay. Therefore, will go down as my latest potty trainer because he can’t even say the word “potty.” Anytime I fold laundry, my toddler “hulk-smashes” it. Oh, and there is definitely a lot being thrown around for me to clean up what feels like constantly, but it’s certainly not magical confetti.
Now, hear me out. There are some really magical moments in getting to be home with my kids. I’m getting to witness the hilarious things they do and say instead of just receiving videos from their teachers and nannies. I’m not having to use endless amounts of PTO and sick time to take care of my sick babies because I’m already here. I love our early morning routine of going outside to get sunshine on our face and accomplishing all of their firsts together! But, the magical moments are also matched with overstimulation, inconsistent behaviors which really throws my ADHD for a loop, and a whole lot of loneliness. It is magical, but it’s really messy too.
If I was sitting across from you at a coffee shop, this is when I would look at you and say, “It’s not one of these options that makes you a good parent. It’s both/and.” Both of these possibilities produce amazing parents! BOTH of these possibilities have a whole lot of challenges AND upsides. When I’m at the office, I’m thriving! I love the energy of other adult humans, getting to exercise my creative muscles, and getting out of the house, but I really miss my kids and hate that 30k of my paycheck is going towards childcare. When I’m at home, I love not missing out on one moment with my kids, the ability to workout whenever, go outside, run errands at any point, and the freedom of not having to report to anyone. But, I miss contributing to something outside of the home and am so bored of the mundane home tasks.
We live in a culture where there is endless parent shaming and defensiveness towards the decisions you make as a parent. We have got to start speaking truth to the narrative that one of these choices turns out better kids. I’m here to tell you that your kid isn’t better off at home. Your kid isn’t better off at school. Your kid is better off with a parent walking in alignment with what God has called you to do. Period. The question isn’t, “Should I stay at home or send them to school?” It’s “What does God desire for my family?” The assignment for your family is going to look different than others. And that is okay! Stop coveting the parenting decisions of another family from the gram when God has called you to try on something else. It kinda reminds me of that backless top an influencer talked me into buying…even though I knew it wasn’t going to work for me…but it looked SO good on her. It ain’t gonna look good on you, sis! God knows what fits best with the life He has created you for!
Guess what happened the other day? One of my kids’ former nannies, who now has two kids of her own, reached out and told me how nervous she was to go back to work. I couldn’t help but laugh and immediately responded, “Think about how much my kids, my entire family, would have missed out on WITH YOU if I WASN’T working.” Her text really gave me perspective though, as I thought about the memories, our relationship, the learnings that would have never happened if she was never in the picture. I guess they say hindsight is 20/20. I realized in that moment, that the only thing we need to worry about missing out on, is what we’re missing when we aren’t walking in God’s plans for us. When I was a working from the office mom, God gave my family everything we needed to succeed. (Everything and more, beyond my dreams.) Now that I’m a stay at home mom, He will give my family what we need to fulfill this calling too.
Whether God is calling you to be at home with your kids, or has you working outside of the home, rest assured, It’s Both/And, friend.