I don’t miss it
As a leader and writer in the Kids and Family space for years, I’ve been saturated with the ever so sweet, yet also daunting reminder, “Parents will miss the days when their kids were younger, so they should embrace them while they can.” I mean, Trace Adkins even wrote a song that haunts me as I weep and sweep up the box of cereal that was just dumped out all over my floor. Before I had kids myself, this idea seemed beautiful and… magical. Now that I am a parent myself, while I understand the sentiment of this concept, it can sometimes cause me to feel… defeated. Sure, I LOVE my kids. I’m so thankful for the sweet memories captured in these fleeting years that I know I will cherish forever. But, the never ending laundry, the constant refereeing, the loss of identity when it comes to parenting is not something I love. While I trust this popular parenting concept is being delivered with the best of intentions, I wonder if this is really the encouragement parents who are in the trenches need to hear. Or, perhaps there is more to the picture we can be painting for them.
My parents were visiting us from Ohio a few months ago. They were actually in the middle of encouraging me as a mom. Here’s some of the things they said to me: “We don’t know how you keep your house so clean with 4 kids.” “You and Trevor do such an amazing job of helping the kids grow in their unique identities.” “We could never do what you guys do.” (PS - can we normalize encouraging parents. Like, calling out specifics and empowering them while they are in the thick of it. How better would our homes and families be?) I confided in them, “This is really hard. I don’t like having a messy house and some days I feel like I need to be checked into a mental hospital.” They looked me dead in the eye and said, “We don’t miss it. We don’t miss changing diapers, we don’t miss a messy house, and we don’t ever sit and long for past seasons with you and your sister. In fact, we have fallen in love with every new season including watching you become a mother. We don’t ever wish for other days back. Sure, we think back on memories and we have pictures to enjoy. But, we have really loved every chapter of parenting. The good back then doesn’t outweigh the good right now. Oh, and we also really love going on cruises just us two, and this new chapter for our marriage.”
WHAT? That’s… allowed? Is it bad that I’ve been a parent for 5 years and no one has ever said to me, “I don’t miss it.” Rather, parents have the masses constantly shouting the alternative narrative (as we wipe up the mess from our baby taking his diaper off while the toddler asks for a snack and the preschooler asks for Blippi.)
I can’t tell you what a relief it was for me to hear. The wisdom and honesty they shared with me in that moment encouraged me more than any Trace Adkins song preaching “You’re going to miss this” ever has. It allowed passion for embracing these days to finally break through my discouraged heart. They showed me that yes - these days are magical, but also REALLY hard. They showed me that although there are sweet moments now, there are sweet moments to come, too. They changed the narrative for me that day when it comes to parenting tiny humans. They flipped the script and painted a new picture that - I may not miss everything about this season and that is absolutely okay.
Our conversation that day reminded me of something my therapist asked me, “Why do you feel like you have to love this season?” And when I think of that why, it’s because.. well.. our world tells us otherwise. We are told that we should love it. We are told that these are the best days. So, friends, maybe it’s time to flip the script? Perhaps we can create a surge of encouragement in those raising tiny humans as we paint a more hopeful, more full, picture in front of them.
*And if you are a parent of small children, here’s your permission to not love the laundry, to cry over the spilled milk, and to look forward to a solo vacation one day in the future!